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Crying to Attain Maximum Drama: In 10 Fun Steps

Morning Readers,

I hope everyone’s weekend was satisfactory. Everything at the Kellerman house flowed smoothly. All children, pets and frazzled parents accounted for, and Husband I were only required to participate in three hundred games of, “I’ve got something behind my back that I found outside. Guess what it is.”

Possibly the most terrifying game on the planet.

But we’re not gathered here today to talk about children potentially gifting their parents with heart attacks in the form of a rock or two-headed toad. Nope. I want to throw a comp tutorial on how cry in the most dramatic way possible.

Why is this necessary?

First and foremost, it’s essential to know how to tap into this talent because, one day, you may win an Oscar and need to draw as much attention to yourself as possible during the acceptance speech. Remember, it goes: Hug statuette, forget to thank your spouse, weep on Gucci ballgown.

But, besides that, over-the-top crying works wonders when you’re overwhelmed and need to feel sorry for yourself. Oh yes, for those of you who think I never cry, please note that this occurs while I’m pregnant, but also when I haven’t slept.

I’m fairly sure I’m not pregnant, so I’m going to chalk this morning’s breakdown up to only getting to sleep until 4:30am before it was time to get up for the day, courtesy of the baby, me not being able to fall back to sleep after feeding said baby, and the twins needing breakfast at 6am.

So, let’s go through the steps, shall we? Because I simply can’t have you all experiencing emotional breakdowns without the proper tutelage.

No, no. It’s my pleasure. No trouble at all. I’m great at complaining.

Crying to Attain Maximum Drama: In Ten Easy Steps
1.) Wear ugly clothing. Anything less than a sweatshirt over a nightgown will give the appearance that you’re not serious about committing to this bout of hysterics. Be dramatic. Be hideous. Be in gladiator sandals at the same time.
2.) Don’t brush your hair. If you’re brushing your hair, you’re not directing all your attention to weeping uncontrollably. This is poor form and looked down upon by all others throwing sand on their heads and rending their garments.
3.) Remember that you are the only one who’s ever raised children.
4.) Assure yourself that everyone else in the world always gets eight hours of uninterrupted sleep at night. Set your jaw so the lie doesn’t slip out and sound ridiculous.
5.) Angrily unload the dishwasher. Don’t cry on the silverware. This will require excess rinsing, and if we’re rinsing, we’re not …? Altogether now. Fully committed to crying. Thank you.
6.) Rest forehead on doorway and weep.
7.) Put head in kitchen sink and weep.
8.) Weep while you check your email. (I didn’t say this whole affair wasn’t a First World problem, I simply asked you to commit.)
9.) I have it harder than anyone on the planet. Say it three times. Admittedly, this will come out more as a choke/sob, but we’re really trying to sell here, so, work it.
10.) Drink some coffee. Eat some yogurt. Realize the baby is finally sleeping. Use this break to save up energy for more crying spells. Try not to be too disappointed that you’re now blogging and distracted from crying.

Remember, you can’t feel sorry for yourself, if you don’t get the proper cry going. So let’s get out there and be morose, people.*

*Exclamation mark left off sentence because this isn’t your usual pep talk. Thank you.

Paige Kellerman blogs about marriage, babies and gin at www.paigekellerman.com, and is the author of At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles (June 2013). You can reach her at paigekellerman@gmail.com.

She also hides out on Twitter and Facebook.


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